drinking warm bud heavies i found in the garage and googling how to tell the gosselin kids apart.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
Randomize
