note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
i gave her road head last night, needless to say it wasn't the same and i bit a chunk of the inside of my cheek off.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
Is it a problem if I'm trying to condition Goodbye Horses to trigger an erection?
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
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