I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
while i am personally glad that we met...i feel like for society as a whole it was a bad thing
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
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