my phone needs a breathalizer
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
NoDDING MY HEAD LIKE uyuEAH MOViUNG MY HiPS LioKe YEAhhhhhhhhhhh
wow.
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
Randomize
