Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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