So, how was the dinner
Just like the ex wife, cold, fatty, and expensive.
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
Randomize
