Joe is yelling at the trees again.
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
Less than a month to graduation and I'm still blacking out on the reg tonguing down the closest breathing organism preferably with a penis but I'm flexible, and still havent figured out how to be functional on Fridays. WHY don't they teach us valuable shit at this institution!?
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
So my POF profile is full of Archer references. Only guys who get them will be getting any response to their messages.
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
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