Someone just asked me to go to the dining hall for dinner and he will use one of his swipes to pay for my meal. i think this is a college version of a date
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
The uberlube is also flammable
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
Randomize
