someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
Do ugly people know they are ugly?
The quiet ones do.
look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
We were doing it doggy style, and I puked on the floor and started crying, he told me it was okay his cat would eat it... and if it would make me feel better we could do anal...
And they lived happily ever after....
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
Randomize
