I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
she's sitting on the other side of the room at this party. with her smirnoff tucked in that little opening between her cleavage and shirt. drinking from a straw. snapping her fingers off beat.
it's love
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
Randomize
