Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
EMERGENCY: IS A KAREOKE RICKROLL ACCEPTABLE IN THE YEAR 2011?
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
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