I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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