I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
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