Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
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