I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
I kind of learned that hotels are unnecessary. Boys will just take you home, but that's tough with a group. I believe in us, though.
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize
