everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
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