I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
I need to sanitize my soul.
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize