I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
he high fived his dick after we had sex
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