I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
NExt question... Do i wanna sleep under my palm tree
YES.
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
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