I got fucking wesley sniped last night by that power hoe. How'd it end up on your end? Did you canoodle the stripper enough for her to agree to go to formal?
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
it was frightening. in my opinion the only thing that should resemble a vagina is a vagina.
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
Can you repeat that, but with context?
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
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