I just cut my nipple shaving
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
Randomize
