the chick doesn't look like she's put anything in her mouth for weeks other than his dick.
We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
Just got done reading an 11 page essay for class. Took me three fucking days and the only thing I have highlighted is the name "Alexander Cockburn"
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
