if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
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