i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
My last google search was 'bulk asian wives' I don't know either
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
I broke down outside of an all boys correctional facility
well if that's not a gay porn waiting to happen, i dont know what is...
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
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