I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
i will be the first lesbian to ever fail women's studies.
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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