I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
video games are the ultimate cock blocker
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
I wish I could go about my daily activities with his dick inside me
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
Can I color on your dick again?
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
Randomize
