I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
but i got with him after midnight so its technically 2 days
I've never watched DWTS before, but this show's got Pamela Anderson, Erin Andrews and Brooke Burke: 3 of my top 10 all time most masturbated to women.
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
i mean ive seen your left buttcheek how much more bro can this get
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
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