trent lit his nipple on fire and said "i am the only highlander"
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
I think I am the only girl in the world who would be proud of these scars from rug burn.
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
Quick question: how do I take a nice picture of my ass? I'm asking you because I figure with an ass like yours you're probably experienced.
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
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