We're facebook friends in real life
I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
dont know what thebfuxk is in rhat shit, but dont lemme have antmore
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
