i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
Handicvap rails on the toilet atre soooooo fuckin handy right nmow.
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
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