im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Randomize
