whjeg hajt iyt
say what?
wanna hang out?
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
Randomize
