Do the low cut shirt test. If he stares at your tits even in front of your brother, he's down.
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
Randomize