So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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