I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
Only time and a comprehensive case study of all of your relationships will tell.
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
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