he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
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