I just saw a hot homeless man
She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
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