Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
she was using a pencil to fish crushed adderall out of a plastic bag. it was like a college version of fun dip
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
Randomize
