I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
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