So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
