I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
Randomize
