OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
First off, get on bc solely in preperation for this event. Second, as my little sister you have a lot of whore to live up to.
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
Randomize
