I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
