I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
Are there any plans to where i might need to be dressed semi-nicely or is it a "pants optional" weekend?
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
Randomize
