I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
Idk. I was speaking metaphorically. Go for it. As one of your bad decisions, I feel confident in saying you've done worse.
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
Randomize
