And secondly i just said i'd pay ten dollars to have sex with you
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
Randomize
