Lets date for the summer
what?
Dont love me in September.
I'm gonna play a drinking game called "Sarah takes the train"
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
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