$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
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