If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Randomize
