Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
that girl is introducing herself into your group of friends one dick at a time.
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
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