i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
So it's like pop-o-matic trouble, but with penises
He like poked it twice with the tip of his tongue then left it alone. I'm sad.
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
Randomize
