they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
im wtih 32a right now bc 34d is on her period. now i know how girls feel when their hookups go from magnums to regulars
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
Randomize
