He wanted to take me out and said we could "go huntin in the woods."
Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
