He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
just peed in rthe mens room but seranaeded them with adelle the whole timee so they didnt mind
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
Randomize
