im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
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